crush

I hung up the phone tonight

Something happened for the first time deep inside

It was a rush, what a rush

'Cause the possibility

That you would ever feel the same way about me

It's just too much, just too much

Why do I keep running from the truth?

All I ever think about is you

You got me hypnotized, so mesmerized

And I've just got to know

Do you ever think when you're all alone

All that we can be, where this thing can go?

Am I crazy or falling in love?

Is it real or just another crush?

Do you catch a breath when I look at you?

Are you holding back like the way I do?

'Cause I'm trying and trying to walk away

But I know this crush ain't goin' away-ay-ay-ay-ayy

Goin' away-ay-ay-ay-ayy

Has it ever crossed your mind

When we're hanging, spending time girl, are we just friends?

Is there more, is there more?

See it's a chance we've gotta take

'Cause I believe that we can make this into something that will last

Last forever, forever

p/s: a song that hit me lately..

A special friend

“幸福就是当我看不到你时,可以这么安慰自己:能这样静静想你,就已经很好了”

30 May 2010-Sunny. Time flies, without even noticing it, I am now in final year. Unbelievable? Believe it. 4 years ago, I was still a naif little freshman entering Ukm Medical School. During the first week, in the MMM, in the UKM Bangi gigantic hall, i saw this little girl standing out from the crowd with her long silky hair shinning at me. I couldn't take my eyes off her big gorgeous eyes and rosy pink cheeks even 0.01 second. I was like WOW!!!

Unfortunately, we were in different course. Sigh, it's kind of impossible to know her as i will not stay in Ukm main campus for my entire course. There is a saying: Ukm medical student will only come to UKM Bangi for two times: MMM in first year & Convo in final year. It is quite true.

Despair was the only word that can describe my feelings at that moment. Maybe, “幸福就是当我看不到你时,可以这么安慰自己:能这样静静想你,就已经很好了”.

However, after three years, on a special occasion, i have the chance to know her. It was like in the fairy tale where the beast found the beauty. I added her msn. So, basically, we are so-called online friend. We have our own life in different corner of this world, but internet connects me & her (a special friend) Pheww...at last i come back to the title, sorry for circumstantiality.hahaha...

Lately, i got to know that she was very depressed. I truely hope that she will recover soon^^.

love at first sight

31-July.HOT. Though i have left this blog for so looonnnnggg, I still haven decide to close this blog as it recorded some parts of my life. From the nuffnang's analysis, the visitors for this blog is getting less and less each day. huhuhu...so pity.

After so many years, i found her. She looks exactly like my first love---which i fail to make end meets. Sometime, i thought am i trying to find someone to replace the first one? or just this is the type of girl i like? However, uncertainties remained....

Before entering psychiatry posting (or in layman term ward for crazy people), I thought i have antisocial personality, but in fact, its all wrong. Antisocial Persanality disorder is related to social rules or right violation.

Now, i diagnosed myself as having schizoid personality disorder--a person who doesnt enjoy close relationship, lack of close friends, take pleasure in few activities, chooses solitary activity, emotional coldness....but i think i might have bias, but my friend said when he memorize the criteria for this personality disorder, he think about me.haha...

So, a schizoid person will always be uncertain in close relationship. hmmm...mayb if that girl take the first step,keke..it will be easier for me. I know i think too much la, but love is always like this...

Someone asked me what are ur uncertainties? it would be how much time i can spend with her. then, she say: y u wan2hav gf if u don hav the time?

yeah, tat's a good question. the answer is, at this age, sometime u get peer pressure from friends though all my housemate were single.keke..

Any advice? lets round the table...=.="

when inefficiency meets high efficiency

11-JUNE. Hazy. Since three days ago, i have this recurrent rhinitis...haiz...the first time was three weeks ago when i finished my ENT posting. Great!!!after each posting must get sick...is it a punishment for getting to close to the patient. if u have never been examined by an ophthalmoscope, u would never know how close v are to the patient. its really like less than 1cm before u kiss the patient. SO, i think i actually contract virus or bacteria from the patient. pity me...(dont get the kiss,but the virus =.=""")

THerefore, I went to Klinik Warga this morning. WArga means it is a clinic for UKM-mers. After registration, i walk over and i saw a middle age woman smiling at me. She looks familiar, but her smile had actually confused me...Who is she?with a bunch of children?shudn't be my lecturer( i.e lecturer are all registrar if not specialist, they can treat themselves) ?coursemate won't be so old? secondary school teacher? (i.e. wont come2KL and become UKM-mer gua)...She greeted me:" kenapa jumpa doktor?"

I pointed at my nose indicating rhinitis. She replied softly which i cant really hear.

"huh??" i asked.

she said again: "**#%$*"...still cant hear her, but sounds like "el-nino"...question marks in my mind. y a long-time-no-c woman tell me about el-nino.

I "huh??" again to confirm.

Now...she show her real malignant face which makes me really remember her: "sayer kata RUNNING NOSE???!!"

hahaha...really sound alike right? runningnose and elnino.

So, she is our beloved midwife. its only a year, and i have forgotten her. Maybe this is a self-protective mechanism in which i subconsciously delete unhappy memories from my brain.

then it took me 1.5 hour waiting...its really a long 1...no wonder evrytime in the our clinic many patients come in with bad mood. This is because the system is a bit weird. I wait for my number 2024 to be called and the current number is 2019. As if 5 more to go, but its not true.

There are two rooms and one doctor in each room. After you register, they will send ur file to one of the two room. THis depends on your luck. Meaning the number will move like tis 2019,2016,2020,2022,2017,2025,2027,2028,2018....

If you notice the sequence, its quite clear that one doctor is slow while another 1 is very fast. SOmetimes, we also met patients that complain that why other patient who came late get to see the doctor first. Usually, the PK will say something like" belum lagi,sila tunggu di luar dulu"

I found that it was really frustrating to see the number increasing and getting further away from your number. Even though i know the system, i also feel so frustrated, how about those who dont understand???

After seeing the doctor, i went to the pharmacy which is at the other end of the hospital, maybe like 150meter. 40 patients to go before my turn to get my medicine. Waited for around 20 patients, then my number suddenly popped out on the screen. Wow, maybe im medical student, got the privillege.

"encik, sila check dengan klinik warga, saya rasa Doktor itu tidak key in dengan betul, komputer kami tak dapat prescription" the pharmacy told me.

ok, no privillege, but another problem. rush back like 150m sprint as i dont want to miss my number at the pharmacy.

"ohh..dr baru saja key in" the clerk told me with a relax voice as if its routine for us to sprint back and fro...i sprint back to the pharmacy, and luckily i can still use the old number.

THis is the problem when somebody who is inefficient meets somebody who is highly efficient. then i became the victim....The end...

please give me a chance

5 June 2009. SUNNY. THough during the clinical orientation for juniors, i have told them over and over again regarding the importance of learning from the patients, sometimes the patients' reaction really make you down.

"Junior doctor", " Student Doctor", " Young Doctor" are some of the words our lecturer usually use to introduce us to the patients. Why don't they just use "medical student" or "pelajar perubatan"?

Because these patients are somehow selective. They want to be seen by real doctors with license.
THeir body is just more precious than diamonds and their mouths were sealed by gold. THey won't let medical student examine or take history.

THey think that the present doctors that they are seeing now are born as doctors. THey doesn't undergo training, they have never been medical students before. THey born naturally and gifted with skills to clerk history, to examine, then to treat, and to operate. In other words, medical student will be medical student for ever. Doctors will be doctors for ever. And, we can wait in O&G labour room for babies that will be born as doctors for the future. Once a baby is born, we dont test for Apgar score, but we test their medical knowledge. Ok, pass, u r a doctor. Sorry, fail, u will be trained as medical student and will suffer and face difficult patients...so unfair!!!haha...then if im parents i'll pray days and nights to deliver a Doctor Baby.

We always ask politely for permission, but what we get in return? Why cant you all say something politely like "no thanks" and not giving us an angry face as if i killed your whole family. or " No needla, ur prof also dunno what's my problem, how can you know?". " No, tq" just two words, is it that difficult to say??

I admit that medical students make mistake, we might not be so fluent, but we learn from mistakes and we practise to do better. Dear patients,pleaseeeeeeeeee......give me a chance...

with great power comes great responsibilities

4June09-Its 1130pm and im still here writing blog. Is it just too free to have Triad posting or Im trying to freed myself from the suffocating buziness??? As a medical student, we were always told to study hard, so that we can take up the responsibility as a competent doctor.

{Whatever life holds in store for me, I will never forget these words: "With great power comes great responsibility." This is my gift, my curse. Who am I? I'm Spider-man. }

In the past, for so many years, I really loved this quote as i thought i am very good, and i really have the responsibility to save the patients' life, save the nation, the world, then the universe.

But, lately, I found that, sometimes, these responsibilities actually are so troublesome...Besides being a medical student, Im somebody's son, somebody's coursemate, somebody's friend, somebody's msn fren, somebody's somebody...

Like my fren said: "friends are juz friends". Nobody actually owe nobody anything. Sometimes, it doesnt mean that, once a friend, forever a friend. And, once a friend, forever, wherever, whenever need2do whatever thing together. Its juzt a coincident that u and I meet at this present moment and we have the same interest. THen, its always better to do things together since we are on the same tract. BUt, I won't blame u if u refuse to join me as like i said earlier, u dont owe me anything.

So, now u think im very cold blooded is it?? haha... Whatever (imitating someone)

In short, this post is directed to all my long lost friend who feels very miserable for not keeping in touch with me for such a long time. haha...i doubt if there is any. But what im trying to say is that dont feel so bad about it as one day we might get back to each other sharing the same interest and same destination. For the moment, all the best to you and God bless u.

last night

28 May.Moody. I have been quite loss and lazy lately. Dunno why like loosing my momentum in life. But dont worry i wont commit suicide cos im still young. Maybe, Im a bit bored with all the old things here and I need something new and fresh.

Last night was terrible as i had a nightmare. THe dream started in a university setting where i was suddenly told to attend an exam for all four posting. THere was no study week and it was in the middle of a posting we were asked to go to faculty to have exam.

THen, i took a school bus to the fac. It was the bus uncle that took me for my entire high school life. I thought he was quite good and know almost every single road in my hometown. He promised to send me to HUKM after he sent a little kid back. I thought it was going to be fine since i hav sufficient time.

Who knows?? He lost his way. It took him an hour to beat around that area and still cannot find the little kid's house. Great!!! Okla, my brain is a bit disorientated in dream world la, i.e. how can a bus uncle who never drive in KL send a kid home in KL and send me to HUKM???haha..

THen, at last with the help of my GPS. He succeeded. But it also mean i would be late for my exam.

The faculty have a new exam system. Meaning after you finish the paper for all 4 posting in 1 day, the lecturers will straight away mark the paper. Wow, so efficient!!!

THose who pass can go home. THose who fail must stay back that day and straight away retake the exam. Unfortunately, when i reached there, those who failed are retaking their papers ady. So, meaning i didnt sit for the exam and i fail to retake the exam.

Prof said: U need to repeat 3rd year. HUH????i cry and cry and cry with epiphora.
Prof said: No use to cry, go and find politician, ask for a recommendation letter.

Suddenly, i woke up from sleep. Ohhh, luckily it was juz a dream. I saw the clock and it was 5am in the morning. So, I continue to sleep.

THe funny thing is, the previous dream continue. This had nvr happened b4. Usually when i dream of a date with a pretty girl, it'll stop when i woke up. No matter how hard i try 2 dream also cannot have the same dream.

I was lining up in front of a politician's house. Lining up means so many people actually miss the exam. Cos the exam was held without any early notice.

THen all of a sudden, a bright light shine at me...it was so bright.i open my eyes, and it was 7am ady. Time to go for lecture.

What a funny and scary series of dream.

P/S: next time if my children were asked to write an essay on "nightmare",i'll show them this post.keke...